I LIVE BY THESE WORDS
Invictus
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
-William Ernest Henley
OLD POEM COLLECTION 1
A Perfect Ending
At the close of our day,
I linger in your eyes,
Lost in the moment,
Cherishing your touch.
Kissing, your tongue with mine,
Teasing me, exciting me, making me ache,
Wanting you to take me right then.
I lay back, pleading without words,
Breathless with anticipation,
As you stand over me, taunting,
Making me wait, admiring what you’ve done.
Anxious, I raise my hips to greet your stare,
Beckoning you to enter me,
As if the lips hidden there
Could speak for me, to some other part of you.
Finally, you grant me relief,
Embedding my being,
My feet upon your chest to brace us both,
As you thrust deep inside, again and again.
You reach places within me,
I thought were untouchable,
The pain hurting so good,
That I can’t help but cry out.
You wonder, if possibly you are hurting me,
Easing momentarily, but then I say, “don’t stop”,
And you know my whimpers are from ecstasy,
As I call you back into our entrancing dance.
My eyes are open to catch you,
As you’re stealing satisfaction with your own,
Taking pride in knowing it is you,
That has caused these looks to come across my face,
Demonstrating to you, your power over me.
And then you say, “Oh Lady”,
As you gaze at me dreamily,
Shaking your head, as in disbelief,
Shyly grinning, revealing to me my own power
To make you feel alive.
I know you are close to leaving me,
Traveling to that place I can not follow,
And I ask you not to go,
Trying with all my might to make you stay,
Requesting, “easy, wait”, as I push you to your back,
Climbing atop you.
Then ever so carefully, I navigate you once again,
To the edge of your own heaven,
As I find that perfect rhythm of my own,
Barely breathing.
And as I start to throb, I become the one
Who can not be stopped from taking flight,
As I ride you wildly, beyond the realms of night,
Into my own promised land.
And returning to earth,
I find to my delight,
You, also coming back to ground,
From a visit to a paradise,
That we both, together, found.
Rundown of My O’Ten
As I count the hours near the end of 2010, I’ve decided to run through my blessings and activities this past year. Since all I can do right now (alone and sick on New Year’s Eve) is to stay home and get well, I thought of writing down the memorable things that happened to me including the significant people who inspired me in O’ten, and here they are:
JANUARY
I pretty much enjoy the company of different friends. This month, I got a chance to meet with friends whom I’ve known online for years; was able to go to Ecopark for the first time with my Buritos Family to celebrate two of our loving college friends’ 26th birthday; had my godson visit me in my apartment; and was able to attend my earlier Pod Gathering in Torio’s Grill – where I was chosen as the Best CSAT Awardee for 2009.
FEBRUARY
This love month didn’t go well as I thought it would have, since this is also my birthday month. My presence wasn’t there when I was supposed to be a Godmother to one of our college friend’s daughter; my boyfriend back then didn’t spend the Valentine’s Day with me for some lame reason; I was broke on my birthday week when I filed for a VL (vacation leave); and I broke someone’s heart without me knowing he has feelings for me. If I remember it right, the only good thing that happened to me was when instead of having a date on Valentine’s Day, I ended up celebrating the day with my favorite godson, his mom and his mom’s mom. They’re a family to me, so I was glad to go back to Ecopark with them, just relaxed and watch the kid enjoy himself.
MARCH
Another of those so-so months. This was when I found out that my ex was lying to me all along (he even lied about his birth date ‘til I saw the prompt on facebook and that he’s about to leave the country sooner than I expected). He didn’t even have the guts to say goodbye, so I broke up with him. He tried to talk me out of it and visit me in my place, but it’s too late. I don’t have feelings for him anymore. Liars don’t stay long in my memory. So there. I can’t remember anything really good that happened to me this month.
APRIL
If not for a special friend’s wedding, I wouldn’t be able to travel and see the beautiful place of Marinduque, her sweet husband and the beautiful friends of the bride. This was by far, I can say the best vacation I had this 2010. We stayed there for 5days. After which, was a Part 2 getaway to Anawangin, Zambales. Awww…beaches, beaches, beaches. J I love this month!
MAY
This was the month I guess when I started searching for acting workshops or open auditions so I can go back and hone my craft and pursue what I’ve always wanted to do – Act. This was when I attended a workshop guide to beginners in film making, and finally met one of the significant persons who inspired me to pursue my dream – Mr. JP Carpio. I also promised to make myself “busy” from this month on, to let go of the bad vibes. J
JUNE
This month was one of the unforgettable. Aside from relatives and friends who celebrated their birthdays and so with Father’s Day, this was the beginning of my journey towards reaching my goal. I began attending UFO Pintigan Acting Workshop, I was able to audition for CCP’s Tanghalang Pilipino Actor’s Company and auditioned for UP Diliman’s Information for Foreigners.
JULY
I was still busy attending the workshop (under Soliman Cruz and Michael Ian Lomongo) then office work right after. I graduated from the acting workshop at the end of the month, performed in our recital and still on the same day, met another significant person (a great artist – director/actor/singer/dancer/choreographer/writer/composer, all rolled into one – Mr. Njel de Mesa), I even sang with him! J
This was also the month when I found out I passed the audition in UP and will be part of yet again another amazing production under an internationally renowned director Anton Juan. Another unforgettable and happiest month I had this year. J
AUGUST
We had pictorials this month for the show Information for Foreigners; I learned more routes in and out of UP campus than I knew back in college; I learned that no matter how tired and long the hours are for rehearsals, as long as you love what you’re doing, you’ll just be happy and fine.
SEPTEMBER
Oh, dear September. I love you because: of the 7-days show of Information for Foreigners, with very good feedback from the press, guests and audience; because you introduced me to a bunch of talented, amazing and loving people in my IFF family; because we were complete (brothers, sisters and nephews) in celebrating Dad’s birthday; because we (college friends) got together again for Tei’s birthday at Liza’s house; and I still managed to perform and make good scores at work. J
OCTOBER
I was referred for another audition. Though I didn’t make it on the scheduled date, I was glad to be given a second chance for another day. I thought of it as another opportunity given by God, because he knows what my heart longs for. Though I didn’t get the part, I’m still happy for another experience. I even met a pretty girl on that same day, who told me it was her very first time to audition in her entire life and doesn’t have any idea how she’ll make it through. Since it has always been a pleasure for me to share what I learned, I gave her some tips and a few push for her not to back-out and just move on. In the end, I know she made it because the sponsor/judge liked her very much. J So happy for her!
This was also one of my favorite months because opportunities just kept on coming. After the above audition, I received an email in the office that there will be an opening for the Miss Saigon musical play as a Yearend performance and it will be a competition. At first, I told myself that this time, I want to know what it feels like to help backstage and just accompany my team mate who so wanted to be part of the production. Besides, I’m not a good singer or dancer. But friends and some officemates convinced me to join and try out. So there, I made it to the cut and was excited to know the rest of the cast. J
Before the end of this awesome month, I was interviewed for research and became friends with Tia and Didi (both from Indonesia); I met with a high school friend and her Dad, and then wrapped up the month by meeting my co-acting workshoppers from UFO Pintigan Acting Workshop to celebrate a beloved Australian friend (Emma)’s despedida in Centerstage. We had a lot of fun and sang our hearts out in the videoke that night! J I miss these girls.
NOVEMBER
I met up with two new online friends this month; attended another college friend’s bridal shower and enjoyed their company as we dress up for a Masquerade theme and did some pictorials; went out with Mommy, Tito & Katkat and bought or invested on some appliances for myself. Guess my 13th month salary didn’t go to waste this year. Talk about wise spending. Oh, and this was when I had my taste of first time, when I auditioned for an Indie-film J
DECEMBER
I love you December, because: I met a bunch of crazy people in my Saigon Family and learned to love and be inspired by them. You gave me an opportunity to share and teach what I learned on previous workshops I’ve attended. I was able to perform on stage again after so many years. You made me perform in front of my superiors and officemates. You made me enjoy the company’s Yearend Party so bad, that despite some of my stuff were stolen backstage by God-knows-who, I still felt accomplished and fulfilled. And you made our family and relatives closer than ever.
oOo
Despite of my health condition this past year, I was still blessed with great people and great experiences that I’ll surely treasure for the rest of my life. THANK YOU 2010, and THANK YOU for everyone who became a part of my life and made me part of yours. You made my year worthwhile 
Have a great 2011! Carpé Diem! ^_^
Blessed and Happy Sunday
When I knew I’d have to take a Saturday shift, I immediately thought of what to do right after so I could maximize the remaining hours of the day. Obviously, I won’t be having the full weekend, so I might as well think of better things to do aside from eat, sleep and log online. So I told myself that right after my shift, why don’t I go and visit the person I always talk to, everyday, and everywhere I am; and finally listen to what He wants to tell me all this time?
So, since last night was my first Saturday, today was my first fully blessed Sunday, and I’m happy. Why? Read on:
1. I went to Church and heard the early Mass. It’s been months since I did.
2. I got inspired with old and young couples hearing Mass together while holding hands
3. I was glad to know that people still make effort to dress properly inside the Church
4. I learned more from today’s Gospel – Giving and saying THANK YOU to all God’s blessings (“Pasasalamat”). We tend to just ask and demand from Him. We hardly say thank you and praise, once we get what we want
and
5. I learned that the reason why we are not happy with our lives is because we keep searching on things/people, that/whom we don’t have or will never have, instead of just be contented with those of which and who are already there.
At the end of the day, I realized that there’s no such thing as “too late”, when it comes to talking and listening to Him. What’s important is for us not to forget that there’s only One person we can trust. And yup, that’s the Man who gave his life for us and died on the cross.
Enjoy your Family Day, guys! =)
**Oh, didn’t I say I’m happy? I am. Nadagdagan pa when I found out that one of my dear friends, just got promoted! Woohoo! Congrats, Denisse!!! Muwah, muwah! God is good!!!**
And look, what day is it today?
10.10.10
^_^
U.P. Night Ride
Was surrounded by Lovers
On this cold, dark night
Hands going all over their partner’s body
One shoots a kiss
Another a sweet smile
I felt something strange
Sent shivers down my spine
Alienated
On this Jeepney ride
The Slow ‘Mo
Was in the mood to do my laundry
At a very early morning – 1am
Gathered my socks and undergarments
And soaked ‘em with fabric conditioner for a final swim
Time to hang them up
And let the morning breeze kiss them
As I get my last pair of socks to join the crew,
I slipped on the floor, not as quick as I imagined
But like a scene edited for a show,
In a funny slow ‘mo.
MAYA ANGELOU’S BEST POEM EVER
| A good friend of mine shared this beautiful poem to me in the office. I just want to share it with you – fellow Women and to all you guys’ women ^_^
MAYA ANGELOU’S BEST POEM EVER
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE … A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE … A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.. . EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… |
Tag, Your It! (I was tagged on facebook)
|
Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You must tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I’d like to know more about you, or you to know more about me (but it’s okay if you don’t take the time … really … {sniffle} … I’ll understand).
(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions or a similar facsimile in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people [in the right hand corner of the app] then click publish.) 1. I have this habit of daydreaming halfway through my meal. Though not intentional (things just pop up in my head and make me stop eating), I always end up with a little bit of food left on my plate for a couple of minutes. he he. But don’t worry; I still get to clean up my plate. It just takes a much longer time than usual. 2. I get so irritated every time i hear someone say/shout these words: kapal (with a grin on the face), excuse me?!(Sarcastic voice), stupid, silly, ano?!/huh?!, what???!#% etc. This space will never be enough for my hot buttons. he he 3. I do crazy things just to get myself to sleep. ^_~ 4. I only drink coffee after i get really drunk. 5. I really find it hard to express my feelings in person. I’d rather show them in some other ways you might not have thought of. So the quote, “actions speak louder than words”, just doesn’t work for me at all. U have to watch for and listen to my words than expect to see some actions. That quote for me, is just for the guys. I’m really not that showy. Slight/mild lang. ha-ha. This goes with all types of relationships I deal with. 6. I didn’t know that a kid admires me, til he told me, how he so wanted to be like me — who can type even if my eyes are closed. ^_^ 7. I am actually thinking right now how long it’ll take me to finish this 25 random stuff about me and fill up this notepad — while my customer is on hold on the other line, waiting to be conference over. he he 8. I hate flying cockroaches. hirap habulin para mapatay eh. hehehe 9. I love all types of strawberries. From fruits, to jellies, to key chains, to ice creams, to anything strawberry! ^_^ 10. I am a frustrated model. haha! that’s why I am dreaming to build my own modeling agency someday — who will cater to ladies and gentlemen who were asleep when God bestowed heights to mankind, but are well fit and are confident enough to strut their stuff (from how they carry themselves in public to the clothes they wear). Sponsors are very much welcome. haha ^_~ 11. I also want to teach kids on how to act. I dream of putting up a company for kids/teens’ acting workshop. I just want them to learn and be professional at an early age. Their future will be on their hands. Sharing my experiences have always been considered one of the things I love to do here on earth while I live 12. I honestly am tired of taking calls. But I won’t regret that for every customer I speak with, I keep on learning new things. Learning is the one thing I won’t get tired of. 13. minsan din OC ako. ayoko nakakakita ng mga tambak na hugasan sa lababo. hehe. 14. This is what, my third day filling this freaking’ list up?! haha. di ko pa rin matapos tapos! LOL 15. I miss working out. mukhang matatagalan bago ako makabalik ulit sa gym. hayyyst… 16. I got fond of having my classmates/crushes/teachers/friends fill up numerous slumbooks I had when I was in elementary and high school. Well, most of us have filled out or owned slumbooks back then right? 17. I still keep some very old pictures and memorabilia which dates, I think way, way back preschool. Sadly, though, most of my treasured collections were swept away by a freakin’ storm. I don’t remember its name anymore. 18. I miss our old place in antipolo. I heard that the people living there now, in our house back then, are all ‘macho guys’(or should I say ‘body builders’? creepy). totoo nga ba? Attention to my friends there in villa cecilia, paki-imbestiga nga. hehe 19. I haven’t seen like 2 or 3 of my inaanaks for years now. I dunno how old or how tall they are na than me! I just miss them. 20. Yes, I am quiet. This, for others makes me weird. I just don’t like talking when I don’t have anything to say ^_^ 21. I hate gossips/gossiping. Especially if the issue is not about me or anyone I know of. ^_~ 22. OC din ako sa spelling/grammar. Not that I or anyone need/s to be ‘perfect’ when I talk to them or read their work. I am also not perfect of course. Maybe i just got used to correcting myself or others’ work since i learned the basic rules during my English classes from elementary to college. 23. one of my pet peeves din is yung mga pa-cute magtext or sa text, na nadadala nila sa pagsusulat ng formal letters at sa pagsasalita (i.e., hello pow, ayokow – pwede namang ‘ayoko’ at ‘hello po’ nalang) hehehe. tsaka yung ‘po’ ng ‘po’ sa bawat sentence nalang at kahit di nakatatanda ang kausap. pasensya na, i don’t mean to be rude. These are random things about me anyway. Hehe 24. I only say “I love you” when I mean it ^_^ 25. (hay sa wakas! Tapos na! hehe) I don’t need to participate on speed dating now. happy nako *wink wink* (^u^.) |
Very Proud to Belong!
Inspiring Emails
These attached presentations were emailed to me in the office. I just want to share them and inspire you too
Sharing the ABC’s
I received this email from a team mate during the time I was thinking so deep and alone on my station. This indeed made my day – when I realized all I had to do was just to bring back my faith and to ask for more guidance from Him. Read on and I hope you get to share this to everyone you know, just like I did. Bless you!
THIS IS ONE OF THE NICEST AND MOST BEAUTIFUL USES OF THE ALPHABET THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN. I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT AS MUCH AS I DID. HAVE A GOOD DAY! Whoever came up with this one must have had some divine guidance
lthough things are not perfect
ecause of trial or pain
ontinue in thanksgiving
o not begin to blame
ven when the times are hard
ierce winds are bound to blow
od is forever able
old on to what you know
magine life without His love
oy would cease to be
eep thanking Him for all the things
ove imparts to thee
ove out of “Camp Complaining”
o weapon that is known
n earth can yield the power
raise can do alone
uit looking at the future
edeem the time at hand
tart every day with worship
o “thank” is a command
ntil we see Him coming
ictorious in the sky
e’ll run the race with gratitude
alting God most high
es, therell be good times & yes some will be bad, but…
ion waits in glory…where none are ever sad!
Posted via web from Unfold Me
When God says “wait”
I just got an email from Rajsh again. Good thing she shared this to me. I could have forgotten about God’s Time had I not gone through this nice article. Thanks my dear. Ü
Sweden’s Pre-Birthday Celebration
July 25, 2009
East Ortigas Mansion
8:00pm
July 30 pa ang talagang birthday niya. But since weekends lang kami pwede magcelebrate and magkita-kita, we decided to do it sa clubhouse nila Noel last July 25.
After all three of us had just a few hours of sleep, we were surprised to find out: that the Videoke Room was already reserved (from 6pm-11pm, thanks Noel),
Noel’s friends (Ryan and Serge – hope tama spelling ko ng names niyo..hehe) visited him and tagged along with us and enjoyed our company(i hope so),
and despite the bangag moments and super hintayan blues (for noel, dahil nakatulog kami lahat ng bonggang-bongga at super hintay siya from 6pm til 8 – really sorry my dear) we still had a great time!
Noel & Birthday girl
Noel & Moi
Inday & Ati ^_0
GCF Connect Call Center Agent’s Day
July 25, 2009 – GCF Social Hall
I am proud to say that I was one of the 60 blessed and beautiful people who’s present at the said event. Though I didn’t make it exactly by the time Kuya Kevin started giving his message (super thanks to my very last customer on the phone – he had me get out of work an hour after my shift), at least I made it to the group discussion and Q&A, and at least I can say, I met new set of people
I know I haven’t been regularly showing up to this group of loving individuals whenever they invite me to. But that doesn’t mean I will let the time pass without getting back on track in lifting up my spiritual sense of living.
What I heard and read on Kuya Kevin’s talk and book is not just all about love,marriage,relationship. It is also about how to live life having God’s words – guide our principles and decision making.
Just want to share some of the pictures from the said event. Most of which were taken from Mr. Sabio’s (Rajsh‘s dad) lens (ABISO Media) and Mich’s phone camera. More pics on GCF Connect’s website.
Mich and Me
Mich’s shot of Kuya Kevin
Mich’s closer shot of us (Me holding the book I won from Kuya Kevin ^_^)
Rajsh’s shot before I leave
Group Pics – Take 1
Group Pics – Take 2
Group Pics – Take 3!
Does The Perfect Girl Exist?
Marie Claire article 113
October 28, 2008 6:54 AM by Rich Santos
I can’t find the “perfect” girl because I’ve created a personality in my mind that may not exist.
My perfect girl could be characterized as a “Tom-Princess”.
Here are five contradictions that exist in my imaginary ideal girl:
1. She is very put together, but she doesn’t mind coming apart.
I go crazy for girls who look polished on the surface: pretty hair cut straight across the back, perfect bangs with that amazing diagonal slant that almost hides one eye. I love when a girl pays attention to fashion too: jeans with heels, creative looks, or anything that just works for her.
(What catches my attention is a guy who has a polished long hair – not too long for a girl’s cut though, umm, how do guys call that hairstyle “clean cut”? As long as he can manage to keep it clean and smell good, it’s a turn-on. Most especially if he runs his fingers through his hair “hawi effect” in Tagalog, then stare at me,that guy will surely make my knees weak..haha. I recently find shaved head “kalbo” guys with not much of a goatee – much better if none – attractive and sexy too! As long as it suits them though. hehe =D )
While she’s polished, I want her to be able to laugh at herself when she’s caught in the rain or when she trips over a rift in the concrete. She’s not always dressed up, she’ll love to veg in sweats as well.
(Yeah, I want my guy to be goofy and can laugh at himself too whenever he does something stupid/funny just to impress me. A too serious and formal guy will really bore me at an instant. And ‘veg in sweats’? Damn, i like to see my guy on that too! haha..so sexy)
She’ll basically walk into a room looking like a goddess, but prove to be very down to earth under all of the polish. She’s the gorgeous one who can drink with the best of them and get a bit rowdy at a party. She likes to get a martini in a nice lounge or check out fine art, but also likes playing flag football, camping or fishing.
(Well, he should be walking into a room looking like he knows almost everybody, yet he won’t forget that he’s with me or I am with him and will be more than willing to introduce me to his friends whenever he passed by one. It will always be a girl’s pleasure being introduced to her guy’s friends. =p He’s the guy who can drink with the best of them and yes get a bit rowdy at a party; yet manages to drive me home safe and secure. He won’t bother going out with me to a nice lounge, talk anything under the sun and enjoy the ambiance; or check out fine art or watch stage plays, but also likes playing like a child in a mall’s Arcade station, camping and travelling with me.)
2. She is really smart, but she doesn’t know so much so that I can’t show her new things.
Another contradiction: I want to meet a girl who has passion for knowledge and is able to teach me random things, and educate me about life. But, she can’t be so smart that I can’t bring anything to the table. (Me too!=p)
3. She has structure in her life, but also appreciates goofiness and nonsense.
We all know one of my major weaknesses is that I have no structure in my life. I’m a poor budgeter of time and money. I need to find someone who can provide structure without nagging me. She needs to be like my best guy friends: I go to them for practical advice to balance my thinking that is driven by imagination and gut reaction.
She needs to give me room to make mistakes, and laugh at me because she finds it hard to believe that anyone’s mind can be as scattered as mine. But she will be a pillar I can lean on and trust.
(I need to find someone who can guide me(not dictate) through my decisions in life, tell me if what I was thinking is way out of my league and impossible to achieve, and would suggest things on how i can act on my plans without making me feel like a dumb princess. He needs to also give me room to make mistakes, and laugh at me as well.)
4. She seeks intellectually stimulating entertainment, but also loves stupid things that don’t make her think.
She needs to have the ability to appreciate the fine arts and expose me to new genres of sophisticated entertainment. But, she also needs to be able to watch goofy films like Sixteen Candles, stupid horror movies, bad TV while making fun of all of it with me. And, of course, she needs to be able to analyze, predict, and appreciate Lifetime movies like my buddies and I do.
(Yup, he needs to have the ability to appreciate the fine arts too and not find it boring and also introduce me to new genres of entertainment in which I may not have known)
5. She needs to be a “girl” but also one of the guys.
This is a delicate mix; I don’t want her to be too much of a guy with my friends. At the same time, if she’s too prissy I’ll get annoyed.
(Well, I dont want my guy to be one of the girls for sure. Haha. Nahh, I just want him to be sensitive enough to understand what a girl could feel whenever he throws tantrums. I want him to befriend my guy friends too. I want him to know my girl friends as well and hope he won’t think or imagine anything romantic with them.)
These contradictions are all based on being a princess, polished and perfect, while vulnerable and down to earth. I find that most girls I’ve met so far in NYC have been too much one way or the other.
When a girl is a total princess, I get annoyed and they come off as icy and inconsiderate. When she’s “one of the guys” then she just becomes a friend and I start trying to go for her friends because I can’t think of her romantically.
In the celebrity world, the closest person to my perfect girl is Amanda Bynes. She’s really cute, and can have that polished look. But at the same time she has a boundless sense of humor and she isn’t afraid to flaunt her inner clutz.
Is defining “perfection” in a girl a dangerous proposition? Perhaps I am creating this impossible girl because I’m ultimately afraid to commit. If I make an ideal that doesn’t exist, maybe I’m unconsciously ensuring that I won’t have a shot at a relationship.
Maybe I just want to date someone who is a really pretty best friend.
Do you think it’s possible to find a girl like this out there? Perhaps I just need to find a mix of everything I want, but not have such rigid requirements on how exact this mix needs to be. If you define your perfect guy, is he full of contradictions like my perfect girl?
(Yes. Full of contradictions like your perfect girl too. A little mix of a romantic-manly-crazy-serious-sexy-loving Man is all I ever wanted. Where is he? heehee :p)
Ten Dating Red Flags
Marie Claire article 112
September 12, 2008 2:35 PM by Rich Santos
When determining if you should let things get serious, remember: actions speak louder than words. With that being said, here are ten dating red flags. If you see any of these, do yourself a favor and reconsider if it’s worth it for you:
1. You Are Not on the VIP List For Breaking News
Were you the last to learn about this person’s job promotion or newborn niece or nephew? Once things are serious, you should be among the first to know about exciting news, or bad news.(hmmmm…well, he tells me naman so far whatever’s new to him..he got sick,he had an accident, he got a new phone…good enough?Ü)
2. They Avoid Meeting Your Family or Friends
If they are shying away from meeting your friends/family consistently, then there are problems. Even if they are very shy, they should want to meet those who are important to you. (yeah…well, he said he’s just too busy to meet them…he’s too busy to see me again…how much more my family and friends right?damn…hehe)
3. They Don’t Make Any Sacrifices
Healthy relationships don’t require bending over backwards all the time, but a certain amount of sacrifice is necessary in a selfless union. When two of my friends first started dating one another, she demanded that he go to Farm Aid for her birthday, which was also the opening NFL football Sunday. While all the guys gathered to watch the games, he was sweltering on some field attending Farm Aid-an event he never would have gone to if she hadn’t of invited him. Now that’s sacrifice.
(I am now under this circumstance when I know he just wont make a way to find time and see me after 6months. His excuse? He’s BUSY. For the past 6months, he’s busy. I know that knowing this fact should already be a red flag for me. But the problem with knowing the truth? is that you won’t accept it even if you’re already on the losing end. Sucks right? Hayy…life…hehe)
4. They Can’t Fit In Your Future
I admit it. When I meet girls, I envision future moments I may some day share with them. Most of my scenarios are her with my family and I at a Christmas holiday, or at a summer crabfeast. If I’m really into her, I usually relish the thought. If not, I kinda cringe. (Yup…if i’m really into him, I usually relish the thought. Even include him in my fantasies. hehe. But if not, I just dont care.hehe)
5. They Are Too Controlling
It’s scary but I’ve seen many relationships where guys forbid girls to hang out with certain friends, or wear certain clothes. Major problem if someone is controlling you and not allowing you to be who you want to be within a relationship.
(Agree. It’s also a major turn-off for me if my guy won’t allow me to be “me”. My rule: The more I am restricted, the more I don’t deliver or I become “pasaway”Ü)
6. The “What Are We” Conversation Fails Miserably
Almost every relationship hits that crossroads where you both decide if it’s worth taking the plunge into being exclusive and calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend. If they are confused and surprised that you’re ready to get serious, the timing is not right, and you should try to figure out how long you want to wait around until they are ready. (yeah, still on the waiting end…hoo…grant me more patience please..hehe)
7. They Talk About Plans That Don’t Involve You
My sister has major wanderlust. She’s always talking about heading off to Chicago or living in London for a year. She often talks about these things with no regard for the fact that she has a boyfriend at the time. If you find that someone is making plans or talking about far off places without inviting you along for the ride, don’t let yourself get too into them. (yeah…what about telling me that he had set plans for the both of us,only on the time that I was ready to give him up, had I not took his name off to access my private album?haha…talk about “too late” huh)
8. Your Friends or Family Don’t Like Them
Remember that your friends and family know you best. Don’t take their thoughts with a grain of salt. It’s one thing if a person or two don’t get along with your significant other, but if a lot of them are saying you should reconsider, then do it. Unfortunately, we often find out about how much our friends hated that person after this person is gone. (No need to wait til he’s gone..they certainly don’t like him now because he doesn’t make time for me.Its just me who can’t let him go…yet…talk about martyrdom…damn)
9. They Violated Your Trust
Whether it’s cheating or a little lie that they got caught in, it will be hard to regain trust. Trust is something we don’t’ give away easily and once it’s gone it’s hard to get it back. We’ll always be wondering about that lie, and doubt will creep in more and more as our minds fixate on that lie. Too often, people take trust for granted and once they lose it they never get it back.
10. You Practice “Unbalanced Dating”
Are you always seeing his friends or doing things that he wants to do? Do you just let him pick the restaurants, and events? Or is it the other way around? Relationships are fun when you are both able to contribute. If you’re not taking turns creating fun times together, it will most likely fizzle out. (how i loved to share to him the things i have in mind, the adventures and places i’d like to go to..but he just can’t find time..uggghhh)
What would you add to the list? Ever been a victim of any of these red flags?
Why Guys Love the “Thrill of the Chase”
Marie Claire article 111
December 15, 2008 9:15 AM by Rich Santos
I thought I would outgrow enjoying the thrill of the chase, but I can’t get over it.
Most guys go out there with the goal of getting laid.
Lately, all it takes for me to feel total accomplishment is having a girl call me “cute” or “funny.” At that point, I can leave the bar, stop by the diner for late-night-eats, and lie down alone knowing that someone out there found me attractive.
I’m sure a lot of you get frustrated that guys seem to lose their passion when they have finally started dating you. Here are some reasons guys love the thrill of the chase:
Laziness
At first glance, chasing does not seem like a lazy activity. But it is. When I’m chasing a girl there is no pressure to succeed. So, when a girl calls me “cute,” I can assume my chase is over and I can call it quits. It’s lazy to participate in chasing girls, but it’s hard to be lazy when you actually date and get into a serious relationship.
The Fantasy Ideal
When I chase a girl, I do so without knowing her too well. The chasing stage is all about getting to know her and learning more about her…well, stalking her. And all while I’m stalking, I am falling more and more for this girl I don’t really know, but I’ve set her up in my mind as the perfect, unattainable girl. Once dating begins, she usually doesn’t turn out to be what I built her up to be.
Competitive Nature
Guys love the hunt. So, we are just fulfilling our destiny when we chase girls, even if we don’t end up winning them over. The chase is fun and feels natural. We don’t respond as well when we are being chased; we kind of don’t know what to do.
The Giddiness Factor
You know that fun part of the relationship, where everything is new and you’re giddy about everything? You get those butterflies in your tummy every time you see that special person. Part of the giddiness is feeling unsure of how things are going, with an overall positive vibe. This is the essence of the thrill of the chase: Anything’s possible!
You Can Remain Single While Chasing
While I’m chasing one girl, I can open up my efforts to a few girls. While I’m chasing someone, if I’m a halfway decent person, I’m single, so there is no responsibility to anyone.
I Love Teamwork
When I launched my campaign on my high school sweetheart, I assigned a friend in her class the task of mole: Listen to her conversations, figure out where she was going on a given weekend, and report back to me. Was there any chance that I’d be able to win her over? We schemed and planned and had a common goal in mind. But once I actually started dating her, my buddy was no longer in the picture. We were both comfortable with how things were going, so there was no longer “breaking news” that she said she’d be attending a certain party, along with the excitement and hope that went along with it.
She Seems Impossible to Get To
Guys are intrigued when a girl is not accessible, so they aspire to get on her radar. She seems so elusive, mysterious, and unattainable. It gets to the point that I’m thinking: “She’s got to be mine some way, somehow!”
The chase has a number of “guy” behaviors built into it: the hunt, fear of commitment, and camaraderie with our buddies. It also has a number of things that are universally intriguing to guys and gals: mystery and adventure.
I just wonder when I’m going to grow up and get over the chase and settle on dating a girl because I actually want to date her?
Do you ever enjoy the chase? Do you find that guys in your life love the chase and then disappear or lose their passion? Is it just a matter of meeting the right girl — will I stop chasing when I find the right one? Or is it a matter of maturity?
(matter of maturity. Grow up guys :p )
How to Date Like a Man
Marie Claire article 110
By Erin Dailey
OWN THE ROOM
When’s the last time you saw a guy walk into a bar or party looking useless and confused? Okay, so it was yesterday. Were you interested in him? No? Shocker. That’s because most guys walk into a place with a purpose. Unless they’re looking for a space to park their binder filled with original Star Trek drawings, they’re looking for friends or women. And you should look the same. When you walk into a place, act like you know where the hell you’re going, even if you don’t. Everyone will wonder who you are and why you’re there, but they’ll never think you’re useless and confused.
EYE YOUR PREY
Got your eye on someone? Good. Don’t shy away. Look him straight in the eye and think, You should be attached to my lips by now; why aren’t you? Trust me, he’ll read your thoughts like they’re projected above your head on a wide-screen.
FAKE INTEREST
Look, no one cares about what anyone else has to say. They just don’t. But what you have to do is pretend that you do. Ask about their life, their job, their parents, anything to keep them talking. Because the more fake interest you show in them, the easier it is to disarm them. Guys are used to talking about themselves, as are we all, but if you actually fake an interest, they kind of don’t know what to do. Like puppies trapped in a cage in the window of a pet shop, they are addicted to the interest you show in them. Tap the glass. Watch them lick your fingers.
TAKE CONTROL
You’re at the bar, you’re talking to him, it’s been hours, and still nothing has happened. Do us all a favor: Kiss the idiot. For one thing, he’s not going to not appreciate it. For another, if you don’t do it, someone else will.
There are two ways to take control of a situation like this, whether you’re at a bar or a wedding or an inauguration.
Way #1: Lean forward and say, “You have the cutest lips!”
Way #2: Lean forward and say, “Are you going to kiss me now or WHAT?”
Way #2, obviously, puts the ball in his court and makes him feel in control, even though, really, you’ve just instructed him to kiss you, which is pretty much what you wanted him to do in the first place.
You can always take control by just telling him to do what he probably wanted to do anyway; whether it’s kissing you or getting you a cab home. Tell him what to do. He’ll like it.
SEX IS ALWAYS ON THE MENU
Do you want sex? No, really, do you? Because men do. And that’s pretty much all they want from you until they get to know you and your sense of humor and how you put on your shoes in that cute way that no one else does. And until you realize that sex is not an invitation to boyfriendville, you’re screwed.
He just wants to have sex with you. And you? You want to have sex with him. So do it already. Enjoy it. Tell him what you want. Make him your momentary love slave. And after it’s over?
Make him sleep in the wet spot.
NEVER EXCHANGE ALL YOUR INFORMATION
This is so incredibly important. Give him your name. Give him a fake cell number. In this age of the Internet, anyone can find you if they want to, but, that being said, it doesn’t mean you should hand out your cell phone number to every last guy you happen to sleep with. Tell him what you do for a living, but don’t tell him where you work. Give him your e-mail address, but don’t tell him what you do. Do not divulge all of your personal details. Why?
BECAUSE HE WILL CALL YOU.
And you will not want him to. And you will be all, “Oh. Hi. Yeah. Um….” And he will be all, “Yeah. You. And me. And….” And you will feel like a man for the first time in your life, and you will say, “It was really nice meeting you the other night, but I have to floss my cat three times a day and I’m in charge of the electricity for the Chrysler building and why don’t we just … hook up later in the year. When I’m willing to?” And he will be all sad and lonely and want to see you again, and you will think, Wait, who IS this guy? And then you will be sorry that you handed out your personal information to a potential stalker.
CALLING IS OPTIONAL
So you’ve had sex. Good for you! Guess what? You never have to talk to each other ever again if you don’t want to. Know why? It’s not required to talk after sex. If you had a good time but you don’t want to date him, don’t call him. If you had a good time and you do want to date him … don’t call him. Know why? Because you just had a one-night stand. And one-night stands, barring unforeseen circumstances, will never wind up in a relationship.
ONE-NIGHT STANDS ARE FUN
Not to go all Samantha on you or anything, but seriously, one-night stands are awesome. No muss no fuss, no strings, possibly good sex, no worry about the following morning or possible dating situations. One-night stands … they have their merit. Do we all want a sexual partner with whom we can tell our deepest secrets and joys? Sure. Do we all want the occasional bang-up against a chain-link fence behind a bar with no consequences? Hell. Yeah. Never shall the two meet. Unless we’re really lucky.
Want more from Erin Dailey? Check out ErinDailey.com
Gossip Girls
Marie Claire article 109
Get in on the best gabfest in town: Jennifer Aniston, Drew Barrymore, and Ginnifer Goodwin, the stars of He’s Just Not That Into You, talk about hookups, breakups, and the importance of girlfriends.
By Judith Newman
Ever want to feel like Sally McDork, president of the Model U.N. club, who’s mistakenly been invited to the cheerleaders reunion? Then I’d advise organizing a get-together with Jennifer Aniston, Drew Barrymore, and Ginnifer Goodwin at Chateau Marmont in L.A.
“You look so beautiful!” Aniston, 40, says to Goodwin, 30. “I love that dress!” chimes Barrymore, soon to turn 34. The women were together a week earlier at a photo shoot, but they greeted each other like long-lost friends, which apparently they became while shooting their latest project, He’s Just Not That Into You. An ensemble piece based on the best-selling advice book, HJNTIY follows the lives of nine men and women as they date, mate, break up, and reconnect. Or don’t.
“There is a very simple theme here,” says director Ken Kwapis. “If a guy’s not calling you, he doesn’t want to call you. It sounds like a no-brainer, yet we have a huge capacity to deny the most basic things.”
No strangers to romantic highs and lows in real life (painstakingly chronicled in the tabloids), the three actresses kicked caution to the curb and dished about all of it to MC.
Ginnifer Goodwin: I want alcohol.
Jennifer Aniston: [to waiter] Grey Goose on the rocks with lime and olives. [to the girls] Then I remove the olives. Not good for the eyes.
Drew Barrymore: Salt. I know. The days of being able to eat Chinese food and wake up looking okay the next day? Gone.
MC: [to Barrymore] Wait, you’re only having a Shirley Temple? That’s it?
DB: It’s a school night. [Barrymore is directing her first feature, Whip It!, and has been in the editing room all day.] I know there are some good, crazy, psychotic directors who can work and party. I just can’t.
JA: I know. There are actors who can do it, too — just be completely high. And you’re like, “He was on heroin? I thought that was just a really emotional performance. I never saw somebody cry like that!”
MC: Speaking of crying, I almost wept in empathy when I saw how gullible and open Ginny’s character in He’s Just Not That Into You was with guys. Are you ever like that in real life?
GG: Oh, my, yes. I was raised in this Southern culture where if a guy was sarcastic, that just meant he didn’t know how to show his love — but secretly he cared! I completely bought that. The men I chased and the things I put up with — it was criminal.
DB: Yeah, so many girls are told these fairy tales like, “If he’s mean to you, he likes you.” All that horseshit, which sets women on the wrong path.
MC: What’s the lamest breakup excuse you’ve ever heard?
DB: Definitely the classic: “It’s not you, it’s me.”
GG: Oh my gosh, I’ve dished that out, and I’ve taken it.
JA: You cover all your bases with that one.
DB: I hate getting “It’s not you, it’s me,” because I’m never gonna learn and grow from that. I don’t want to live on lies and smoke and mirrors and horseshit. No way.
MC: So you’d really rather have people say something hurtful?
JA: Well, in a way — I mean, before it gets to desperation time. Before it gets to “I throw you and the baby and the bathwater out,” let’s see if we can work through that.
MC: You know what? I’d rather be lied to.
JA: Oh, I disagree. I want the truth, because it eventually comes out anyway, and then everybody looks like an asshole.
MC: What’s the first thing you do after a breakup?
DB: Head straight for the carbs. Macaroni and cheese. Kraft. Deluxe. The kind with the cheese you squeeze out of a bag that takes at least a month to pass through your body.
JA: I don’t eat a lot. I go straight to my girlfriends, though.
GG: The first thing I do is call my little sister. She drops everything.
DB: She parachutes in?
GG: Yes! I’ll call and say, “I’m breaking up right now, come get me.” She absolutely has picked me up from hookups, with coffee in hand. [At press time, Goodwin had just broken up with actor Chris Klein.]
JA: Girlfriends — nothing like ‘em, man.
DB: Whether you’re throwing up or breaking up, you want your girlfriend right there! I don’t trust women who don’t go to their girlfriends. [Barrymore split with Justin Long, who stars in HJNTIY, in July, and has been spotted more recently with Forgetting Sarah Marshall's Jason Segel.]
MC: But don’t we sometimes want our friends to lie to us?
DB: No! I love when women call me on my shit. Like, “Stop fooling yourself” or “He’s not coming back” or “This behavior led to that.” I can work from that place. I just can’t work from false bullshit fairy tales.
JA: Actors are in the worst position, because you’re surrounded by “yes” people. We’re all frightened of telling the truth to each other. We’re afraid of being seen as demanding. But I think it’s sexy — for a woman to say, “Here’s the deal: I want this, this, and this. If you can’t give it, cool. But that’s it.”
DB: Don’t make a man guess what you want. They’re not mind readers.
MC: So will you tell your girlfriends if they’ve done something dumb?
DB: Oh, my God, yes.
GG: I think I can be a little mean, really. I’ll listen if a person needs to unload, but in the end it comes down to, if he wants to call you, he will. End of story.
MC: Do you think it’s just not in men’s nature to be monogamous?
DB: It’s a big question mark. I’m not the swami here; I don’t have the answers.
GG: But there are some animals that are monogamous!
JA: Yeah, some owls….
GG: Lobsters.
DB: Adélie penguins.
MC: When you’re in the public eye, do you think it’s harder to trust?
JA: Trust is a really hard thing to gain — and give — and earn from somebody. I think people get so afraid to be themselves, of not being accepted by the other person, like, “If I tell the truth, that person’s gonna run.” Trusting is something I work on.
MC: You all have, um, colorful dating pasts. If you weren’t celebrities, how would you choose to meet men?
DB: Drunk in a bar. No, wait — kidding!
JA: I’d have to be dragged out to places. Well, like I am now.
MC: No match.com? No Facebook?
JA: No, no, no. The Internet freaks me out.
GG: I think it’s the devil. We’re pack animals! We’re supposed to be connecting face-to-face.
JA: The Internet warps reality. If you’re an Internet person, real life will fall short of what you have been privy to online — sexually, emotionally. It’s so unreal and gives you this sense of order where there isn’t any. You can’t drag and paste life!
MC: You don’t feel you can get to know someone online?
DB: You think people tell the truth about themselves? Every guy is 6’4″ with a huge schlong. That’s why people love it so much. Internet does not equal sodium pentothal. [Holds up an old Polaroid camera that she carries with her everywhere] This is not for the person who surfs the Web. I love this thing. I want to meet someone who’s into all the old-school stuff. I remember when I first started dating, the big thing was RadioShack answering machines. It was such a huge deal to run home and check your messages. And when you could actually check from another phone? That was, like, the craziest thing ever!
JA: I still have the cassette tapes of messages from my first boyfriend, my second boyfriend, my husband . . . It’s like saving love letters.
DB: I don’t even have voice mail or answering machines anymore. I hate the phone, and I don’t want to call anybody back. If I go to hell, it will be a small closet with a telephone in it, and I will be doomed and destined for eternity to return phone calls. I mean, I come from a hippie mentality where I just think to know someone, you need to look into their eyes. Eyes are so important. Until they start melon-balling eyes out, I won’t be able to get to know someone another way.
MC: Has celebrity made it harder for you to have real relationships?
JA: Are you kidding?
GG: You have to have conversations on Date One that people usually have a year in: “Where do you see this going? What are we going to call each other?”
DB: Other people and the newspapers are talking wedding bells, and you’re like, “We haven’t even slept together.” Like, oh my God, “What was your last name again?”
JA: Yeah, and just trying to find out if you want to see them again or maybe introduce them to your parents . . .
GG: And then my parents and friends have all these opinions about anyone I’m going out with, because they’re “hearing” that he’s not good enough for me. Hearing from who?
JA: I get, like, “What are you doing again with a womanizer?” [Aniston had been on, off, and possibly on again with John "Your Body Is a Wonderland" Mayer.]
GG: I was trying to catch up with this girlfriend from college. And I said, “Hey, I met this really great guy,” and she said, “Ginny, I know. I don’t live under a rock.” Everything has been documented, and she’ll already know about his previous relationship problems.
MC: Do you guys ever Google yourselves? [Aniston and Barrymore vigorously shake their heads "no"; Goodwin looks shamefaced]
GG: One night I’d had some beers, and then I Googled myself and spent the night in tears.
DB: [to Goodwin] That’s so awesome . . . I can just picture you on the Net, Googling yourself with mascara running down your face. I wish I could have seen that!
MC: What’s the best advice you can give young women about love?
JA and DB [in unison]: Set your boundaries!
DB: That’s something you don’t know in your teens and 20s. Or I didn’t know in my teens and 20s, anyway.
JA: 30s, for me.
DB: This is who I am, this is what I want, this is what I don’t want . . . boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
JA: This is what I’ll tolerate . . .
DB: This is what I’m willing to take and what I’m willing to give. Boundaries are a form of honesty. Just be honest.
JA: Honesty is such a time-saver.
GG: I’d also say don’t have just one type. You know, I couldn’t get a date in college. All my friends were making out with everybody, and I wanted to make out with somebody! One of my guy friends finally told me the problem. He said, “You are too obvious about what you like and don’t like. With you, it’s a definite yes or a definite no, and that is scary.” So I needed to learn to give more people a chance.
DB: Here’s something else I will happily share, something a friend told me that changed my world, though it didn’t necessarily change my behavior. And it’s this: Men build bridges. If they want to find your phone number or anything else, they will. They will build huge, massive bridges to get to you. Think Golden Gate!
MC: Would you ever want to see a return to certain old-fashioned rules about dating – like, men chase and women are chased?
DB: I don’t believe in rules. Life is short. I think you should seize the moment.
GG: Why do only boys get to chase? Nuh-uh! If anything, I think this whole sitting back and waiting thing can be self-sabotaging. We have to send up flares. We have to let guys know we’re open for business.
JA: And, oh my God, it’s so fun . . .
DB: Goddamn if I don’t love the chase. I’m more of a dude than most dudes.
7 Reasons I’m Just Not That Into You
Marie Claire article 108
The movie is hitting theaters everywhere and the cast is on the cover of Marie Claire, here are my reasons…
By Rich Santos
1. Obvious Celebrity Emulation
When a girl gets the same haircut as her favorite celebrity, and dresses like that celebrity on top of this, it is obvious. “Oh that girl thinks she’s Katie Holmes.” Suddenly, all of the focus is off of hearing what this girl has to say and on to the fact that she thinks she’s a particular celeb. It’s also a little psycho to just cop someone else’s style and look.
However, if she can take a celebrity’s style and spin her own take onto it, it can be really attractive and intriguing. I love those winter jackets girls wear sometimes that look like the ones that Jackie O. wore. Just a little Jackie O. flare is fine-you don’t have to try to be her!
2. Lingering After One Night Stands
Don’t ever expect to find the love of your life after a one-night stand or random make-out. These events are phenomena where everything seems magical and then suddenly shuts off — much like Cinderella losing her game at midnight. Do not linger in bed hungover. I’m foul when I’m hungover, so I am sure others are too. You can’t contaminate someone’s bed with that. Do everything you can to get home and fester in your own bed.
3. Rushing Things
Every serious relationship comes to that point where we look at ourselves, our lives, and consider taking that next step into exclusivity and beyond. If I’m not ready to do it then it’s not going to work, and I might literally be frightened off if I perceive that you’re too serious.
4. Lying
Whether it’s cheating or a little lie that you got caught in, it will be hard to regain trust. Trust is something I don’t give away easily and once it’s gone it’s hard to get it back. I’ll always be wondering about that lie, and doubt will creep in more and more as my mind fixates on that lie.
5. Being Too Controlling
It’s scary but I’ve seen many relationships where guys forbid girls to hang out with certain friends, or wear certain clothes – and I’ve seen girls do the same. It’s a major problem if someone is controlling me and not allowing me to be who I want to be within a relationship.
6. My Friends or Family Don’t Like You
My friends and family know me best. Don’t take their thoughts with a grain of salt. It’s one thing if a person or two don’t get along, but if a lot of them are saying I should reconsider, then I will.
7. Attitude Towards Others
When I go out to dinner with a girl, I keep a close eye on how she treats the waiter. Sometimes I feel as if I’m overly cordial to people: I wish them a nice day and always make sure to say “thanks”. It’s fun to be out with a girl and watch her make people smile from afar. It makes me feel proud and lucky that I’m with her. It’s already an amazing thing when I meet a girl that can brighten my days. But if this girl brightens everyone’s days, then I’m even luckier. However, if she doesn’t then I’m just not that into her.
5 Ways You Are Sabotaging Your Relationship
Marie Claire article 107
By Hannah Geller
1. BODY INSECURITIES
You know you have this problem if…
You cringe and cover up when your partner sees you naked.
Compliments make you nervous and defensive.
Thinking about his positive attributes makes you wonder what he’s doing with you.
Why is it a problem?
When we are ashamed of our bodies, we “withdraw sexually” and have trouble “being playful and free,” says relationship expert Dr. Alice Pisciotto. Many people resort to substances to deal with their insecurities (for example, drinking in order to have sex), which can ruin a sense of closeness.
How to fix it:
The first step is awareness: realizing, for example, that when he says, “you look beautiful in that dress” and you hear, “go to the gym,” it’s not because he’s being sarcastic, but because you feel ashamed of your body. The second step is to learn to talk about it in an open, honest way. Explain your insecurities to him, why you think you have them, and how they make you feel. Then, pledge to yourself to throw the symptoms of insecurity out the window. Once you stop calling yourself fat, for example, you may stop feeling so fat.
2. BAD TIMING
You know you have this problem if… You bring up sore points — issues you argue about often or recently — at romantic dinners, family functions, or company events. Or, worse yet, you bombard him with accusations the second you’re alone.
Why is it a problem?
“This really drives guys crazy,” says Pisciotto. Everyone knows that communication is important to a good relationship, but knowing when and where to communicate can be just as important. Bringing up a problem at an inappropriate time or place will almost never solve it, and will become a problem in its own right. And he’ll be reluctant to bring you along to his cousin’s wedding if he’s worried you’ll be shooting him dirty looks all night.
How to fix it:
If you want to talk about a problem, give some forewarning, says Pisciotto. “X is really bothering me. Can we talk about it tonight?” Have a safe, private place where you can talk without feeling uncomfortable. And if you really want to resolve the issues, make sure you are talking in person and never by text message or e-mail.
3. SNAPPING
You know you have this problem if…
Your partner complains you’re always blowing up at him — whether he forgot to pick up the dry-cleaning or threw out the manuscript for the novel you’ve secretly been working on.
Why is it a problem?
You may be using these explosions as a substitute for intimacy, says Pisciotto. “If you say, ‘I love you,’ who knows how he’s going to react?” You may get a grunt, you may get a kiss, you may get some bad news. “But if you scream at him, you know he’s going to scream back.” Excessive anger may be a sign that you’re insecure about his feelings for you. Snapping at him allows you to control his behavior because his response — anger — is predictable. But if he feels like he’s always about to step on a land mine, you may be doing the very opposite: driving him away.
How to fix it:
“This is really an issue of self-awareness,” says Pisciotto. The next time you feel mad at him, ask yourself if your anger is proportionate to the offense. If not, think about why you feel so furious: Are you mad about something else that you haven’t talked about sufficiently? Does his anger reassure you of his feelings (i.e., “if he’s screaming at the top of his lungs, he must be passionate about me”)? Are you insecure about his feelings because of something he has done, or because of something unrelated that happened to you in the past? Instead of blowing up at him, try to calmly and insightfully tell him why you are feeling so enraged. Use “I” sentences instead of “you” sentences: “I felt angry when you didn’t call, because it made me feel like you don’t care about me,” rather than, “You didn’t call me! You don’t care about me!”
4. KEEPING SCORE
You know you have this problem if…
You’re keeping a tally of the gives and the takes.
You say things like, “Yes, we hung out with my friends tonight but I hung out with his friends for the last five days.”
Why is it a problem?
“Keeping score is usually a sign you don’t feel understood, that you don’t feel heard,” explains Pisciotto. You feel that your partner doesn’t realize or appreciate the contributions and sacrifices you make for the relationship. “This becomes the ‘yes, but’ of the relationship,” says Dr. Pisciotto. “Yes, you took me out to dinner tonight, but I paid the last six nights. Yes, you initiated sex tonight, but I always initiate. Yes, you care about me, but I care about you more.”
How to fix it:
When you catch yourself thinking or saying, “Yes, but…” step back and ask yourself why. Is this an isolated incident: Are you really the one who always does the dishes, and you just want him to help out more with household chores? Or is it part of a bigger problem: Do you feel like you always make more sacrifices for the relationship, and the dishes are just one example of many? Keeping score provides you with ammo to win the argument “Who’s the better partner.” It’s childish behavior that you should do your best to minimize. Be hypervigilant when your thoughts slip into the “Yes, but…” pattern. Remind yourself that although you may give more in this particular area — you always pay for dinner out — he may give more in another, like always buying the groceries.
5. LETTING THE PAST DICTATE THE PRESENT
You know you have this problem if…
You blame your current boyfriend for problems you had in your last relationship: Your ex had an affair with his personal trainer, so you tell your new boyfriend you like the “chubby look” to keep him out of the gym.
Why is it a problem?
It’s a basic truth of psychology that “we often repeat problems in order to solve them,” says Pisciotto. For example, when you’re suspicious that your new boyfriend is going to cheat on you, like your ex did, your subconscious is trying to come to terms with the old problem. The effect will hardly be productive: You’re likely to create some new issues with your current boyfriend without solving the issues from your past.
How to fix it:
Take a moment to ask yourself: Are there any issues or arguments you had with a former boyfriend that still bother you? If so, write them down and be on the lookout. The next time you’re angry with your current boyfriend for something similar, ask yourself whether or not he deserves it. If not, Pisciotto recommends telling him about your ex and asking him about his. But be clear that you’re talking about your old flame solely for the purpose of improving your current relationship. Your new guy doesn’t want to hear about how your ex just got a promotion, what a great cook he was, or how amazing he was in bed.
3 Ways To Say “I Love You”
Marie Claire article 105
February 14, 2009 3:21 AM by Rich Santos
The great flexibility in language allows us to say things in so many different ways. So, in honor of Valentine’s Day, here are a few nice ways to say “I love you”:
Create It
All great artists create from inspiration. So, when an artist falls in love, it stands to reason that he or she may create things in honor of that love.
If you have an artistic talent, you can create an original way to say “I Love You”: write a song, paint a painting, write a poem. Don’t overdo it. Like all surprises, it is more impactful to come out of the blue with it. Creating something doesn’t just show someone you love them on actual Valentine’s Day. The creative process takes time, and commitment. Cooking dinner for someone can even be a creative endeavor. Don’t be intimidated if you’re not a “skilled” artist. Your loved one may appreciate it even more if you give it a shot creating something outside your realm of expertise. It’s an adventure for both of you. People know that it takes your own blood, sweat, and tears (unless it’s like the gifts I used to “make” for my mom when I had no money) to create something.
Show It
Ok, I’ll admit that I need to improve my listening skills. I can be looking right at your face while you’re talking but it’s literally going in one ear and out the other. I’ve observed this conflict in a lot of relationships-guys don’t listen. But what if a guy is secretly listening during all of those shopping outings you take together, or all those times that you mention: “you know I really love this,” or “it would be nice to have that?” If he dutifully makes a mental note, saves up and buys the perfect gift that you mentioned three months before, out of the blue, it shows he remembered what you said. Hey, maybe he is listening after all…well once in a while.
Making little sacrifices also shows that you love someone. Perhaps your significant other likes a particular movie genre or music that you’re not into. Don’t make yourself miserable by attending these events all the time. But some time you could take the initiative to invite them/pay for tickets to something they love that you are not “required” to attend regularly. When I meet the right girl, her company will count more than the venue or event. So, I suppose, I could go see Britney Spears with her and be happy…maybe.
Write It
Letter writing is so underrated. In this world of instant messenger, email, cell phones, texting, it’s become a lost art. We’ve forgotten the power of hand-written letters through time: they get people out of prison, they declare wars, they negotiate peace, Jack the Ripper taunted the police with them, they act as timelines for people who have long since passed. It doesn’t have to be that dramatic when you write a letter, but it will have a huge impact. I mean, who writes letters anymore? If you can remember how to write with a pen, you should definitely try this. It takes time, and a lot more effort to actually hand-write a letter. Remember, also, that letters can be packed in envelopes, so they are like little gifts. I once wrote a letter to a girlfriend who I saw every day, but I snail-mailed it. She was so touched because it surprisingly showed up in her mailbox-so you can even change up your delivery methods to add effect. A hand-written letter is much nicer to cherish than an email or a text message-these pieces of data must be deleted to save space for future messages. A hand-written letter is classic and time-tested-it’s a little landmark that says “I love You”. But remember, hand-written words can be immortal: while an immortal “I Love You” is a great thing, it is racked with bitterness if things some day turn sour between you.
“I Love You” takes only a second to say, but a long time to do. If you work hard to say it once in a while it goes a long way, and it’s a great way to include a part of you in the message. Having a little surprise element is great too because someone may know you love them, but they don’t expect you to show it in a particular way.
What’s the best way anyone ever said “I Love You” to you? Do you have other ways to say “I love you,” and what’s the best way you said “I Love You” to someone? Would it have a big impact if someone did any of the above things for you?
Breaking Up Is Easy To Do: 5 Simple Rules
Marie Claire article 104
July 15, 2008 3:08 PM by Rich Santos
A friend of a friend has called his ex-girlfriend six times since she broke up with him. I told my friend to bestow my breaking up advice on him. Whether you want someone back or not, if you follow the rules below, you will maintain your dignity, maybe win the person back, or eventually get over them:
1. Ride Off Into The Sunset
In college I took a class called “American Western Movies”. Give me a break, ok? It was summer session. But this class did teach me something. I learned I wanted to be a cowboy. They are so cool, collect, never play their hand, never look rattled, and they are always confident.
One thing they all did was ride off as the sun set on the horizon after their business was done.
Riding off into the sunset keeps our dignity. When a girl breaks up with me, I will say:
“OK, it was great getting to know you over the past (insert length of time). You take care.”
My business is done.
Then, I will figuratively ride off into the sunset. I won’t tell her how much I miss her. I won’t tell her she made a mistake. I won’t call, email or text. I won’t mention her to mutual friends. I’ll be gone from her life.
Suddenly, it will dawn on the girl that she is not getting her money’s worth for this breakup. It is true: people who do the breaking up have an air of power to them. They like being the decision maker, and having the control. But after I walk away like it’s no problem, she’ll start to think:
“Wow, why isn’t he shaken up over this? Did he even care that I broke up with him?”
Or even better, the ever-popular and coveted:
“Did I do the right thing breaking up with him?”
That’s when you know you’re in business.
2. Apply the Wizard of Oz Effect
Of course, most likely, we are in total pain and anguish after a break up. But, we can’t let that show. Remember:
“Pay no mind to that man behind the curtain?”
We can, behind the curtain, cry, complain, bitch, yell, be angry, and hurt. But, we must craft the appearance on the outside of being fine with everything. We need to look happy on the outside to the other person 100% of the time we see them post-breakup.
This also gives the illusion that you might be seeing someone else, or that you’ve got other things going on. Of course you’re miserable and there’s NOTHING going on in your life, but they don’t have to know it!
3. Enact the Verb in “Breaking Up”
Get rid of all evidence of them. Put it all in a closet, under your bed, or anywhere. I’m a sucker for a strand of hair or her shampoo smell left on a pillow after a girl is over. If broken up with, this must go: wash the sheets! Remember in breaking up, think of it like a guillotine—make it fast:
On a guillotine, you’d rather have a sharp blade slice your head right off than a blunt blade repeatedly cut and cut until finally your head finally fell off.
If it’s a break up they want, make it clean for them. It will look good, and it will be easier on you. Flush them right out of your life immediately, and completely.
4. Don’t Look Back
It’s hard to accomplish this. We know not to look back, just like we know not to look down when someone says don’t look down…but we still look down. But, make it easy on yourself: looking back and saying stuff like:
“Gosh, just two weeks ago, we were out to dinner and she stayed over here and we were so close…”
…will just make it more painful. You can’t look back until it’s time to look back—when you’re truly over it.
5. Remember You’ll Get Over It
The best thing about breaking up is those following mornings you wake up after you’ve truly gotten over someone. You’re renewed, alive, and ready to see what the world has to offer. Keep pushing through for this feeling, remember all those people you thought you’d never get over (you know you ended up getting over them), and as Jim Morrison once crooned: “break on through to the other side!”
Well I don’t know about you, but after going through all that, I’m inspired to get dumped!
So, do you agree with these rules? Do you have any nightmare breakup stories? If a guy you dumped followed these rules, would you start reconsidering? Would you be annoyed if you dumped a guy and he didn’t get upset?
How You Can Seduce Anyone
Marie Claire article 103
By Bai Ling
How do you get a guy to fall in love (or into bed) with you?
Chinese-born actor Bai Ling, who most recently sexed up the small screen on Entourage, shares her best come-hither secrets – no booty shaking required.
1. DO THE SLOW REVEAL.
Seduction is an art. American men will ask you right away: “What do you do for a living? Are you married? Do you have a boyfriend?” They’re very blunt. That’s too easy. That’s boring. They should take the time to see who you are. And you should slowly reveal who you really are.
2. FLAUNT YOUR ASSETS.
If you love a part of your body, show it off. I like to wear short skirts, and I like to show my stomach–that works for me. Wear a favorite color. Wear a perfume that heightens your sexual senses. And don’t wear too much jewelry; it’s distracting. Most important, don’t get caught up wondering, Oh, will he like this on me? He’s not the driver, you are! If you’re confident, he’ll feel it.
3. DON’T HIDE YOUR APPREHENSION.
Having anxiety during a date isn’t a bad thing. It shows your vulnerability. Intelligent guys like that. If you’re nervous, there’s a vibe there that can be kind of lovely, so don’t try to cover it up. Don’t think so much. That’s when you start to get lost.
4. PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR UPPER BODY.
On most dates, you’re sitting down with a man, so seduce him with your upper body, your breasts, your shoulders. Also, smile! When you smile naturally, it makes you more attractive to others.
5. AVOID PLAYING GAMES.
Playing hard-to-get is not being your self. It’s always best to be honest and show your heart. A lot of people play games, like when they say, “Oh, I’m going to be late. I’ve got another date” [to make you jealous]. That just doesn’t work.
6. BE GENEROUS WITH THE COMPLIMENTS.
I think it’s good to compliment a guy on anything you feel is really outstanding, because compliments generate a very positive environment. Besides, being appreciative is a very attractive trait in a person.
7. REPEAT AFTER ME: “I AM BEAUTIFUL.”
We are all, in our own ways, truly beautiful. If you love, respect, and accept your true self, your soul mate will find you. It’s not about trying to look more beautiful. If you’re trying too hard and feeling insecure, you’ll lose yourself and your soul mate.
As told to Adena Halpern
YOU.Speak